I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
