Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
