i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
