the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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