Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
