Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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