how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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