You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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