I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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