so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
