I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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