yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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