so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
