If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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