Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
