You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
