Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i out mim tonsoeep
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
