When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
