I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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