omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
