and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
