I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
