quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Life is so much better after having sex.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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