Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
