I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
