You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
