The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
