textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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