I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
