My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
