People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
