and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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