I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
