Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
