I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
