At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
