we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
