Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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