we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
