This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
