I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
