haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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