I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
