The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
