just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
