did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My feet surprised me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
