i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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