My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
