So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
