ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
